Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Friday, August 19, 2011

"She felt like a child breaking the rules. That's what made [her] like it."

I have been so irresponsible this summer/lately. I was late for a doctor appointment again this morning. 3 times. One I completely missed too. I’ve bailed on some friends. Doing what I want, when I want. Barely attempting my summer research and projects. And even doing things which are more harmful than good to me, which really isn’t like me; or at least the me I’m used to.
Something changed in me this summer. I feel like I’ve become a different person. Yes, mostly internally different, but I do believe it is definitely a noticeable difference for others as well. I think it will be interesting to observe if others at school notice a difference, especially since they haven’t seen me since May.
I’m just curious as to why. I wonder if this is some kind of quarter life crisis or if I am ‘finding myself.’ I don’t really mind the changes, though I probably should.
I think a large part of this was because of my fast and furious fling with the Canadian Idiot. Kinda like that Sara Evans song, “A Little Bit Stronger” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m8GSnIkxPM ), ‘I know my heart will never be the same…even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger’ I really believed he changed me; and I’m still changing because of him. He opened me up to whole new world and showed me new feelings; not just love, but his deepest pains. Yeah, maybe I was being played (probably), but I’ve found myself having more empathy towards others. Not just to other’s hidden feelings/struggles, but to those in a relationship like this was. The good times were great, then he wouldn’t talk for days, until one day he quit talking at all. As much as I want to, I’ll probably never know the reason. And as much I need the closure I have to learn to move on without it. Yeah, it hurts. But another thing, he was a ‘bad boy.’ I did and learned things I normally wouldn’t, such as smoke. And I’m not blaming him for my choices, it is not his fault, I take full responsibility for my actions. Even now that he is gone, I am so much more open to trying new things, even if they aren’t the best choices. I don’t think about my actions as much as I did before, and am starting to not give a sh!t. Pardon my language. As in Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God, “…she felt like she was breaking the rules, and that’s what made [her] like it.” That is exactly how he made me feel; and I did like it; and I still do. He pushed me out of my comfort zone, and I have no regrets. But maybe I should… He gave a high—an adrenaline rush, and I think I have become addicted to it. I jump into things, including relationships, without thinking twice. The thing is, I’m afraid I might hurt others along my way, but maybe it’s time for me to put myself and my feelings first, although, that feels extremely selfish. So yeah, this guy definitely had a few issues including some emotional ones, but I believed him when he said he loved me, and after that I only kept falling harder and harder for him until I realized I was alone; and he was gone. In the words of Beyonce, “I must have cried a thousand times…I can’t regret all the time spent with you, yeah, you hurt me but I learned a lot along the way” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huZn5e_LNMw ). To sum up all this, I know my heart will never be the same, yeah he hurt me but I learned a lot along the way. (And I take no credit for this last sentence.)

A weird painting I did, trying to get over him. Not sure how I feel about it as a piece of art; but it makes sense to me. I apologize for the glare.
Sometimes I miss him, who he was, or who I thought he was. I miss him so much, I still cry sometimes. I try my hardest to push him out of my mind, but sometimes I just can’t anymore. I try to tell myself he was bad for me and that it never would have worked, but the truth is I was really head over heels for him, and it’s not easy to forget someone who made a HUGE impact on your life. Especially someone you’d break your back for, then have the relationship end abruptly with no closure. “But I never told you, what I should have said, no I never told you, I just held it in, and now I miss everything about you, can’t believe that I still love you (Colbie Caillat” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfxP4ORIIOY ) I do wish I had told him how much he really meant to me, but I now realize sometimes I have difficulty expressing how much love and appreciate others. I guess I’m just reiterating myself, but he made a HUGE impact on my life; emotional and mental. Should I have let him get to me? Is this a positive impact? I don’t know. But I do know that I have learned a lot.
In addition to all my drama, I think I’ve been evaluating my life a lot this summer, I suppose since I’ve had a lot of free time. I want to live my life to its fullest, live it for me—not to please others, as in my peers.

I think this has been the biggest impact on me.
 I want to leave a mark on this world and make a positive impact on others. I want to experience new things and not shy away from the unusual. I want to leave behind a creative history as well. I don’t know what, but something in me switched and I’m a bit more risk taking and doing without thinking. I’ve also been thinking about my future, and questioning my career path, thinking about becoming a K-12 teacher or therapist instead of the scientific world. I love children and would do anything for them. Plus I know the school systems are in ruins and kids need positive role models. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I would be the hero of American schools, just making an impact on child’s life would be worthwhile. Yet, I have my own selfish dreams and responsibilities…which I have been taking less responsibility of lately…anyhow, none of this really answers any of my questions.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Nice People Are Awesome People: Nice vs. Actively Nice

Yeah, I'd say I'm a nice person, wouldn't you? I'm sure you're probably nice as well. But are we actively nice? "What the hell, nice is nice, right? What more do you want from me?" Well, I was thinking...and I believe it's not. "What's the difference?" Well here is a passing thought on the matter...

Its one thing to be nice when prompted, but to actively (and selflessly, for those few amazing people you bump into during your life) be nice is totally different...for example....

Someone, obviously a little confused, asks for directions while you're strolling through the park or campus. You politely give them directions best you can, sending them on their way. But you know, some people are a little hesitant to ask for help or even just walk up to a random stranger. (Like myself, unless I feel friendly vibes from someone.)  Yet, you can tell that that person is obviously uncomfortable or lost. An actively nice person would approach this baffled soul to see if everything is alright and offer help. See the difference?

Does this even make sense? I really hope it does, and helps us think how we can better ourselves--thus bettering the world by simply offering a kind and helping hand. Think of the scenario above; I'm sure you've (just like me) been in a situation where you have no clue what to do or where to go, but don't ask for help.


P.S. And if you haven't done so already, click on that little sticky note, "I'm Very Nice" for some awesomeness.