We're Taking a Turn...In Topic. Maybe.

Ok, so my plans for this blog have slightly morphed since I started it. I want it to kind of be a dialogue my ‘’life adventures’’ and of your average young adult finding a way through life. I do not want this to be like a diary or journal, but more of a recount of life events which are typically hilarious, at least to me, and some random thoughts as well.

One thing I want to do is to take requests (at my discretion) to do something then blog about it. For example, I took a roadtrip by myself, and a blog is in the works about that. And I’ll blog about whatever you all want from the point of view of a cheap college girl; me. Want to know what something is like? And have specific questions about it? Email me! I’ll see what I can do. But no promises.

So my next post will most likely be about my solo roadtrip/boattrip to Tangier Island, VA.

But basically, if you have any requests for me to blog about, email me!

(blowyomofomind@gmail.com)

I do feel like this blog will just be randomness, but I guess that’s ok too.

Peace&Love

P.S. And I want to include things off my bucket list, so if nothing else that should be interesting in itself.

WTF Has Been Going On? I Really Don't Know; Or Care.

Hi everyone,

Sorry I have been MIA in the blog world; not that anyone reads this…yet. But here’s the deal-- what’s been going down.

In case I haven’t mentioned it already, I think I’ve been in a quarter life crisis since the Canadian Idiot entered my life. I’m necessarily blaming him, it’s just when everything started to change. And I am not going to type it all out here, that would take wayyyy too long. Anyhow, life has been pretty rough lately.

(This part where I whine and complain.)

So about a month and half or so ago, I realized my ‘unlimited’ texting was to other Verizon customers only. Whoops. I had racked up hundreds of dollars in damn text messages. Which really frustrates me because texting isn’t a necessity it’s for fun, so I was really pissed at myself for having to pay these massive bills when they weren’t needed. Anyhow, I’m freaking college student so I don’t have that kind of money in bank account so I had to cash some premature bonds to pay them off, which I was totally cool with. Until I found out you have to pay interest on those mofos. By tax season, I will need hundreds of more dollars to dig myself out of this hole.

And there’s more: so tuition went up this year and my loan offers went down (insert mifted face here) so I actually didn’t get enough money to cover my schooling (not even including books) but God bless Grandma for taking care of that. So normally I have extra loan money to cover gas and food and other odds and ends throughout the semester, including fun stuff. So I’ve been looking for a second job and considering selling my plasma for some cash to save up, but me and needles in me…might not be the best idea—I have a tendency to pass out. Anyhow, I’m in a financial bind.

Next, I’m failing chemistry! Whoohoo! Which really sucks but there’s no way possible to pass it considering I missed a test and he won’t let make it up (my irresponsibility must have flared up) but let’s be real, the class average was a 62 so my grade would have been like a 42. Serious. That was a huge stressor, and still kinda is because I’ll be retaking it next semester, but I have more time to actually sleep and focus on other things for now.

I haven’t been getting enough sleep either, to the point where I doze off behind the wheel. I’ve scared myself too many times, so sometimes I just skip class, but this hasn’t been a huge problem since I’ve quit going to chemistry at 8 AM. But if you have this problem, just remind yourself that whatever you are trying to go to isn’t worth or your life or someone else’s.

In spite, or rather, in addition to all this, I’m not going to lie, I’ve been really depressed. Don’t know why, just have. It’s no fun, but I’m to the point where I just don’t care anymore, it’s all whatever.

Someone even told me they think I like being depressed…I’ll save this for a topic later.

I feel like this isn't even half of everything that's been going on, but it's all the big ones I can recall.

I won’t blabber on anymore about my issues, but be sure to check out the next post about my plans for this blog, and kinda my life too.

Peace&Love

International Overdose Awareness Day : Sublime

International Overdose Awareness Day : Sublime

If you're a user, be careful. If you don't, look out for others. Try not to judge. Love.

"She felt like a child breaking the rules. That's what made [her] like it."

I have been so irresponsible this summer/lately. I was late for a doctor appointment again this morning. 3 times. One I completely missed too. I’ve bailed on some friends. Doing what I want, when I want. Barely attempting my summer research and projects. And even doing things which are more harmful than good to me, which really isn’t like me; or at least the me I’m used to.

Something changed in me this summer. I feel like I’ve become a different person. Yes, mostly internally different, but I do believe it is definitely a noticeable difference for others as well. I think it will be interesting to observe if others at school notice a difference, especially since they haven’t seen me since May.

I’m just curious as to why. I wonder if this is some kind of quarter life crisis or if I am ‘finding myself.’ I don’t really mind the changes, though I probably should.

I think a large part of this was because of my fast and furious fling with the Canadian Idiot. Kinda like that Sara Evans song, “A Little Bit Stronger” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m8GSnIkxPM ), ‘I know my heart will never be the same…even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger’ I really believed he changed me; and I’m still changing because of him. He opened me up to whole new world and showed me new feelings; not just love, but his deepest pains. Yeah, maybe I was being played (probably), but I’ve found myself having more empathy towards others. Not just to other’s hidden feelings/struggles, but to those in a relationship like this was. The good times were great, then he wouldn’t talk for days, until one day he quit talking at all. As much as I want to, I’ll probably never know the reason. And as much I need the closure I have to learn to move on without it. Yeah, it hurts. But another thing, he was a ‘bad boy.’ I did and learned things I normally wouldn’t, such as smoke. And I’m not blaming him for my choices, it is not his fault, I take full responsibility for my actions. Even now that he is gone, I am so much more open to trying new things, even if they aren’t the best choices. I don’t think about my actions as much as I did before, and am starting to not give a sh!t. Pardon my language. As in Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God, “…she felt like she was breaking the rules, and that’s what made [her] like it.” That is exactly how he made me feel; and I did like it; and I still do. He pushed me out of my comfort zone, and I have no regrets. But maybe I should… He gave a high—an adrenaline rush, and I think I have become addicted to it. I jump into things, including relationships, without thinking twice. The thing is, I’m afraid I might hurt others along my way, but maybe it’s time for me to put myself and my feelings first, although, that feels extremely selfish. So yeah, this guy definitely had a few issues including some emotional ones, but I believed him when he said he loved me, and after that I only kept falling harder and harder for him until I realized I was alone; and he was gone. In the words of Beyonce, “I must have cried a thousand times…I can’t regret all the time spent with you, yeah, you hurt me but I learned a lot along the way” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huZn5e_LNMw ). To sum up all this, I know my heart will never be the same, yeah he hurt me but I learned a lot along the way. (And I take no credit for this last sentence.)

“Broken”

A weird painting I did, trying to get over him. Not sure how I feel about it as a piece of art; but it makes sense to me. I apologize for the glare.

Sometimes I miss him, who he was, or who I thought he was. I miss him so much, I still cry sometimes. I try my hardest to push him out of my mind, but sometimes I just can’t anymore. I try to tell myself he was bad for me and that it never would have worked, but the truth is I was really head over heels for him, and it’s not easy to forget someone who made a HUGE impact on your life. Especially someone you’d break your back for, then have the relationship end abruptly with no closure. “But I never told you, what I should have said, no I never told you, I just held it in, and now I miss everything about you, can’t believe that I still love you (Colbie Caillat” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfxP4ORIIOY ) I do wish I had told him how much he really meant to me, but I now realize sometimes I have difficulty expressing how much love and appreciate others. I guess I’m just reiterating myself, but he made a HUGE impact on my life; emotional and mental. Should I have let him get to me? Is this a positive impact? I don’t know. But I do know that I have learned a lot.

In addition to all my drama, I think I’ve been evaluating my life a lot this summer, I suppose since I’ve had a lot of free time. I want to live my life to its fullest, live it for me—not to please others, as in my peers.

I think this has been the biggest impact on me.

(Photo cred to http://www.postsecret.com/)

 I want to leave a mark on this world and make a positive impact on others. I want to experience new things and not shy away from the unusual. I want to leave behind a creative history as well. I don’t know what, but something in me switched and I’m a bit more risk taking and doing without thinking. I’ve also been thinking about my future, and questioning my career path, thinking about becoming a K-12 teacher or therapist instead of the scientific world. I love children and would do anything for them. Plus I know the school systems are in ruins and kids need positive role models. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I would be the hero of American schools, just making an impact on child’s life would be worthwhile. Yet, I have my own selfish dreams and responsibilities…which I have been taking less responsibility of lately…anyhow, none of this really answers any of my questions.

Peace&Love

Nice People Are Awesome People: Nice vs. Actively Nice

Yeah, I'd say I'm a nice person, wouldn't you? I'm sure you're probably nice as well. But are we actively nice? "What the hell, nice is nice, right? What more do you want from me?" Well, I was thinking...and I believe it's not. "What's the difference?" Well here is a passing thought on the matter...

Its one thing to be nice when prompted, but to actively (and selflessly, for those few amazing people you bump into during your life) be nice is totally different...for example....

Someone, obviously a little confused, asks for directions while you're strolling through the park or campus. You politely give them directions best you can, sending them on their way. But you know, some people are a little hesitant to ask for help or even just walk up to a random stranger. (Like myself, unless I feel friendly vibes from someone.)  Yet, you can tell that that person is obviously uncomfortable or lost. An actively nice person would approach this baffled soul to see if everything is alright and offer help. See the difference?

Does this even make sense? I really hope it does, and helps us think how we can better ourselves--thus bettering the world by simply offering a kind and helping hand. Think of the scenario above; I'm sure you've (just like me) been in a situation where you have no clue what to do or where to go, but don't ask for help.

Love&Peace

P.S. And if you haven't done so already, click on that little sticky note, "I'm Very Nice" for some awesomeness.

A Poem Of Mine

I've always enjoyed attempting poems, but rarely share them because they're too personal or I think they're awful. Anyhow, I do have one that I absolutely love, though I wrote it back in 2008.

Untitled

I feel the heat rise from

your skin

And I smell the wind in your hair

I touch your every

muscle

And I see the ocean in your eyes

I taste the salt

from your body

So when I'm home without you

I'll remember the wind

in my face

And I'll feel your body move

I'll sense your heat

against me

And remember how you taste

I'll remember your ocean

And how it ran through me

(c)

{Photo cred. goes my awesome cousin!}

The last line always gets me. It just doesn't sound right, but maybe I'm just a little pervy. Well, actually, I know that's true. Just know it's not meant that way! I'd love hear your comments on it, good and bad!

Like I said, this was a while ago, but since I'm on the poetry topic I'll keep rolling. I really, really, got super into poetry last semester with my African American literature class. I am now addicted. I never sold any of those books back, and actually bought a bunch more! I especially love the book The Ink Dark Moon: Love Poems by Ono no Komachi and Izumi Shikibu, Women of the Ancient Court of Japan. Translated by Jane Hirshfield. (To view: http://us.nicebooks.com/ISBN/9780679729587). Though these poems are a thousand years old they still are so relateable and even funny! If, you find humor in odd things I suppose...Another poet that inspires me is Sonia Sanchez (for her bio: http://www.poets.org/poet.php/prmPID/276). Huge activist and feminist to put it shortly. I even got to meet her and have her sign my books of hers! Quite an interesting, inspiring, and goofball of a woman.

Sonia Sanchez said something along the lines of "If we can feel another's heart beat, knowing they are like us, how can we hurt them?" while giving a demonstration. I'll post the link once I get the video up.



Anyhow, so if I ever share any future poems on here, these three women are were I take inspiration from. Not only in poetry, but, sometimes, in life.

Peace&Love

Hindsight Is Always 20/20: Life Lesson #378

Yesterday someone, who was once incredibly nice to me died. I hadn't spoken to her in  years--9th grade I believe, though we did graduate together.  We were never close, but she did extend a friendly hand when I was new in school (8th grade). Not many kids, or people in general, would do that; but especially in middle school.

I never returned the favor. I never said thanks for your kindness. And maybe it would have never made a difference. But in hindsight, I would have liked her to know the impact she had one me and the character she showed when no one else would.

When people do something nice, say thank you and say it like you mean it. Even if it was years ago, let that person know. Make them feel appreciated. Sometimes that's all we need to keep going in this life. You may think it's awkward, but you have no idea how much it will mean to them and how flattering it is; even if they just brush it off.

And, oh yeah, we could all be a little kinder to begin with, I'm sure.

Peace&Love