"She felt like a child breaking the rules. That's what made [her] like it."

I have been so irresponsible this summer/lately. I was late for a doctor appointment again this morning. 3 times. One I completely missed too. I’ve bailed on some friends. Doing what I want, when I want. Barely attempting my summer research and projects. And even doing things which are more harmful than good to me, which really isn’t like me; or at least the me I’m used to.

Something changed in me this summer. I feel like I’ve become a different person. Yes, mostly internally different, but I do believe it is definitely a noticeable difference for others as well. I think it will be interesting to observe if others at school notice a difference, especially since they haven’t seen me since May.

I’m just curious as to why. I wonder if this is some kind of quarter life crisis or if I am ‘finding myself.’ I don’t really mind the changes, though I probably should.

I think a large part of this was because of my fast and furious fling with the Canadian Idiot. Kinda like that Sara Evans song, “A Little Bit Stronger” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m8GSnIkxPM ), ‘I know my heart will never be the same…even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger’ I really believed he changed me; and I’m still changing because of him. He opened me up to whole new world and showed me new feelings; not just love, but his deepest pains. Yeah, maybe I was being played (probably), but I’ve found myself having more empathy towards others. Not just to other’s hidden feelings/struggles, but to those in a relationship like this was. The good times were great, then he wouldn’t talk for days, until one day he quit talking at all. As much as I want to, I’ll probably never know the reason. And as much I need the closure I have to learn to move on without it. Yeah, it hurts. But another thing, he was a ‘bad boy.’ I did and learned things I normally wouldn’t, such as smoke. And I’m not blaming him for my choices, it is not his fault, I take full responsibility for my actions. Even now that he is gone, I am so much more open to trying new things, even if they aren’t the best choices. I don’t think about my actions as much as I did before, and am starting to not give a sh!t. Pardon my language. As in Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God, “…she felt like she was breaking the rules, and that’s what made [her] like it.” That is exactly how he made me feel; and I did like it; and I still do. He pushed me out of my comfort zone, and I have no regrets. But maybe I should… He gave a high—an adrenaline rush, and I think I have become addicted to it. I jump into things, including relationships, without thinking twice. The thing is, I’m afraid I might hurt others along my way, but maybe it’s time for me to put myself and my feelings first, although, that feels extremely selfish. So yeah, this guy definitely had a few issues including some emotional ones, but I believed him when he said he loved me, and after that I only kept falling harder and harder for him until I realized I was alone; and he was gone. In the words of Beyonce, “I must have cried a thousand times…I can’t regret all the time spent with you, yeah, you hurt me but I learned a lot along the way” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huZn5e_LNMw ). To sum up all this, I know my heart will never be the same, yeah he hurt me but I learned a lot along the way. (And I take no credit for this last sentence.)

“Broken”

A weird painting I did, trying to get over him. Not sure how I feel about it as a piece of art; but it makes sense to me. I apologize for the glare.

Sometimes I miss him, who he was, or who I thought he was. I miss him so much, I still cry sometimes. I try my hardest to push him out of my mind, but sometimes I just can’t anymore. I try to tell myself he was bad for me and that it never would have worked, but the truth is I was really head over heels for him, and it’s not easy to forget someone who made a HUGE impact on your life. Especially someone you’d break your back for, then have the relationship end abruptly with no closure. “But I never told you, what I should have said, no I never told you, I just held it in, and now I miss everything about you, can’t believe that I still love you (Colbie Caillat” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfxP4ORIIOY ) I do wish I had told him how much he really meant to me, but I now realize sometimes I have difficulty expressing how much love and appreciate others. I guess I’m just reiterating myself, but he made a HUGE impact on my life; emotional and mental. Should I have let him get to me? Is this a positive impact? I don’t know. But I do know that I have learned a lot.

In addition to all my drama, I think I’ve been evaluating my life a lot this summer, I suppose since I’ve had a lot of free time. I want to live my life to its fullest, live it for me—not to please others, as in my peers.

I think this has been the biggest impact on me.

(Photo cred to http://www.postsecret.com/)

 I want to leave a mark on this world and make a positive impact on others. I want to experience new things and not shy away from the unusual. I want to leave behind a creative history as well. I don’t know what, but something in me switched and I’m a bit more risk taking and doing without thinking. I’ve also been thinking about my future, and questioning my career path, thinking about becoming a K-12 teacher or therapist instead of the scientific world. I love children and would do anything for them. Plus I know the school systems are in ruins and kids need positive role models. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I would be the hero of American schools, just making an impact on child’s life would be worthwhile. Yet, I have my own selfish dreams and responsibilities…which I have been taking less responsibility of lately…anyhow, none of this really answers any of my questions.

Peace&Love

Summer 2011: Why So Good?

For some reason, I've had the best summer of my life, which really doesn't make sense. I haven't done or gone any where special, I've spent more time than typical alone, and dealt with a Canadian Idiot; who's name shall be with held.(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_TfBbR6L0M, kind of irrelevant but my mind leads me to this song).

Whyyy So Good?

With a little thinking, and procrastination of more important projects, I realize it's because I've had a lot of firsts this summer. Even though all of these didn't turn out well, I still believe each of them, except maybe one I'm still questionable on, was worth my time. The moral of this blog is to try new things in order to have an awesome life! Or something close to that...so what the hell have I been up to?

~First lottery ticket, alcohol, and cigarette purchase rolled up into one evening. What can I say? Girls will be girls. For those of you who don't know me, this was kind of a big deal. I've never gambled, smoked, or drank a notable amount of alcohol. So it's about time! Bored one evening, my friends and I decided why not? Plus the excitement of um, er...never mind...was more exhilarating. Thank goodness I forgot to take all my meds that day, so it worked out quite conveniently. Anyhow, I only got buzzed off of a good time with friends, NOT the alcohol, won a dollar with a one dollar scratcher, and smoked one cigarette, and yes, I am of age. Now let me tell you something, don't even try smoking, it really is addicting. But I know you won't listen, haha, just like I didn't. Oops. Oh well, I only smoked the one and have not touched the rest, though I haven't thrown them away...sometimes I really want one, or a drink for that matter, when I'm feeling really down. As for the booze, it was basically a first for all three of us. We sat in circle passing it around after each sip like a peace pipe until it was gone. We rolled around in the grass talking and laughing, because we are so totally hippies. Then we ate ice cream.

~Loved, lost, and learned. So, you're probably still wondering wtf about this Canadian Idiot. In a nutshell I, ahem, dated, a Canadian dude who turned out be a complete jackass with no backbone, I mean, an idiot... Anyhow, it was amazing, blah, blah, blah...the end. Happy 4th of July to me! Anyhow, I'd say it was the most serious relationship I'd been in, so I took it a little hard. But I think I really loved him at the time; and that was a first. It was all good, the butterflies, loss of appetite, giddiness, but then it took a turn for the worse. I finally learned the meaning of 'love is blind.' For some reason I never understood it. Boy, can I see clearly now. No, not really, still a little foggy. But I learned relationships involve risks, so maybe I should not risk so much so soon. I think I learned a lot more than this, but I really can't put it into words. Once you experience it, you know.

(I feel like Carrie Bradshaw right now...)

~My name is Erin, and I cut myself...but it turned into tattooing. Feeling quite down in my mid-break up stooper (he dragged it out), I decided why not. I've friction burned myself in the past, so lets just try something new for a change. Heh, here's the funny part. See, I may be an idiot, but I'm also a nerd. I know that the rock obsidian (extrusive, igneous, solidified lava) also known as volcanic glass, is very fine grain and makes precise cuts leaving very little scar tissue. So of course I have obsidian lying around, who doesn't? I chip some off with a block of sandstone and now I have a blade, all natural too--I'm going green. Oh the things you learn in college. Anyhow, a few tiny slices and I see a star. After two more depressed sessions, I end up with a little star drawn into me with obsidian and India ink (non-toxic fyi) Sure, it's a little sloppy, but I love it. I always thought about getting a tattoo, but I just did it. No worries. Unless I get some kind of ink poisoning or something... And for those of you who don't really understand self-mutilation or whatever its called, it's because the emotional pain is too much to handle and a physical pain or punishment is much better to cope with and serves as a distraction. I know I shouldn't do it. But leave me alone. For more information or would like to help:  http://www.twloha.com/.

~I _______ _______ there. You can fill in the blanks.

~I met a great new friend on the internet. Yes, the internet. Not hanging out with friends as much had left with little to do, so I fooled around on the wonderful world wide web, aka skypecontacts. It's just random instant messaging, luck of the draw, or who you click on. I almost didn't give this guy a chance. Age discrimination...yes I did, and I judged him instantly as a pedophile or creeper. But for some reason my better judgement left me, as it has been lately, no joke, so I gave him a chance. He is awesome and we're like BFFs. I know right, so random. And you're probably thinking I'm stupid. But I don't care any more. I've learned I got to be my own best friend. (Thank you Beyonce.)

~I've learned so much about sex and men. Wow. And I never got any. That's all the elaboration here, though still worth mentioning.

~I had my first real car crash with my three best friends. We travelled two hours out in order to shop. Had a wonderful lunch at Olive Garden, then to the mall. Whoops. Re-ended someone. Car totalled. Bruises, no one hurt. (For the record, I wasn't driving.) Now in case you haven't noticed, I laugh at the worst things. I was jerked forward, saw the hood in our face, and tried so hard not to laugh. It's awful. I'm afraid people who don't know me will think I am a complete jerk. But I guess it's a coping mechanism for me. Anyhow, I got to call 911, and got a ride to McDonald's in a cop car and got weird looks. It was awesome. Three firsts all at once. Oddly enough, I enjoyed it.

~So far I lost eleven pounds.

Maybe all this seems silly and most likely stupid, but I have enjoyed myself for the most part. I think I've just been torn up so bad on the inside, I've just subconsciously decided be a little crazy. Like that will fix anything, haha.

Now looking back on what I wrote, you'll probably get the wrong impression of me just so you know. No worries. I'm not here find help or finger-wagging. Just here to share my experiences and thoughts!

Peace&Love