There’s Always That One Person That Makes You Feel Better About Yourself, Right? I Was That One Person Today.

Lately I’ve started jogging, and in case you don’t know this is kinda a big deal. Needless to say I suck at it, but I make way around the track. Pessimistic as I am about exercising and weight loss and health and junk, it actually feels kinda good…when you’re going downhill anyhow.

So I’m at the track doing my thing, feeling like Rocky Balboa and thinking about drinking raw eggs as I bounce along to listening to LMFAO (Listen to LMFAO via YouTube) , fantasizing about screwing Redfoo with this new hot and magical body I will obtain (yeah right!, Haha). 

 Yes, I would like to get at him.

Then, whoa! Outta nowhere, some blonde chick passes me. Complete with hair in a neat ponytail, leggings, and ipod strapped to her arm looking fancy and high-tech, while I was in sweats, a hoodie, hair thrown into a 2 second pony, with my ipod in my hoodie pocket. Where the hell did she come from?! I was rudely thrown out of my ‘runner’s high’ or whatever; probably just my imagination. Nothing like a skinny blonde can kill a fat girl’s fantasy. My ego went from a 10 to -2 in an instance. How dare this chick out do me? Me! I mean, I am ERIN, the one and only. Who does she think she is? So then starts the cycle of hating on myself; I know all girls do it, probably guys too. (“Stop! Hating is bad!”-- See part at 4:15 for reference) But damn…in the blink of the eye, I can go from generally happy and feeling pretty good about myself to being pissed with tears in my eyes, cursing this stranger as I consider plastic surgery…and losing all hope getting with Redfoo (slight exaggeration, FYI). Of course within all this is the whole comparison deal. ‘’Well, I am soooo much tanner than her, look at that pasty ass.’’ ‘’But…she has a tiny waist; well, well…at least I’m not Snooki size!’’ etc.*Sigh* Girls. We’re freaking crazy.

I felt really bad at about tearing this girl up, even as I was doing it. I mean she’s just there for the same reasons as me probably, I know she wasn’t trying to 1-up me, and I certainly don’t expect someone to lower their expectations of themselves to accommodate me, not at all. She’s just obviously been doing this longer than me. We both minded our own business of course, no cat fights on the track (sorry, not sorry, guys). And she seemed like a sweet girl, at least from what I could tell as she occasionally lapped me. That’s right, OCCAISIONALLY lapped me :) 

Sometimes you’re just the ego booster for someone else.

Peace&Love

P.S. -- A couple amusing
exercise internet  memes I found.

(I own NO rights or whatever to any of these pictures.)

"Life Ain't Always What You Think It Ought To Be"

Hello world,

Once again, more blows have been thrown my way here recently. Things start to look up and then Wham! something else is thrown at you. I’m sure we’ve all gone through this; if not, you will. Just keep plugging along; it’s all you can do sometimes.

My petty complaints from previous entries seem so lame and selfish and winey now; most of which they are. I guess things have been put in perspective for me.

My university has suffered the loss of 7 Dukes (we are ‘Dukes’) this semester, 5 within ~one month. 5 were current students, 1 was a recent grad, and 1 was a faculty member. All of these deaths were tragic, unexpected losses of young people, yes, including the faculty member, and all were amazing people that had so much left to give to the world in addition to what they already had. The world lost amazing, beautiful, and generous souls that were changing the world around them. They can never be replaced, and I can only hope and try my hardest to live like they did. I try to think that they are in a better place free of the pain and misery of this world, and I hope that I see them in heaven.

Of the 7, I was actually was fairly close to one of them. I was a mess for a week. Of the people that could have died, it should not have been him; anyone but him, even myself. He was the best and kindest person one could ever dream of meeting; willing to bend over backwards, or in his words ‘break his back’ for anyone in need. A totally selfless and loving person. The world needs more people like this young man whose life was tragically cut too short. I hope all that even just barely knew him can live by his example, including myself. Knowing his dreams and aspirations is what kills me the most; knowing that he never got a chance to pursue them. Students would bring him up during class discussing the rumors around his death and I’d leave during class because I couldn’t keep it together, just hearing his name. I also prayed; something I hadn’t done in a while. I feel guilty. I wish I knew why they were taken so soon.

We, the student body, are constantly reassured that our fallen Dukes would not want us to be sad and not want us to shed continual tears. I guess that could be true. I guess I’ll just make myself believe that; I don’t really have a choice.

The Band Perry’s “If I Die Young” has become a musical staple for us lately, being posted and quoted all over facebook and even chalked among the sidewalks and concrete walls around campus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NJqUN9TClM&ob=av2e .

“…life ain’t always what you think it ought to be…the sharp knife of a short life…who would have thought forever can be severed by the sharp knife of a short life…gather up your tears, keep them in your pocket save them for a time when you’re really going to need them…”

The following video is piano cover of “If I Die Young” combined with our school’s fight song that a student composed and another student put together the visual. I’m a super fan of anime, but I think this video is well done it does it justice. (No, I did not make this video, a fellow Duke did.) If nothing else, you should watch it for beautiful piano music cover by Evan Duffy, a Duke who has a YouTube account full of amazing covers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3VdlIjgZWc

So be thankful for those you have you in your life. Let them know they are loved and cared for, both through words and especially through actions. Learn from those you look up to. You really never, ever know when someone you love will pass on. It hits you like a brick wall. Be thankful for, and value every precious moment you have with your loved ones.

Peace&Love

We're Taking a Turn...In Topic. Maybe.

Ok, so my plans for this blog have slightly morphed since I started it. I want it to kind of be a dialogue my ‘’life adventures’’ and of your average young adult finding a way through life. I do not want this to be like a diary or journal, but more of a recount of life events which are typically hilarious, at least to me, and some random thoughts as well.

One thing I want to do is to take requests (at my discretion) to do something then blog about it. For example, I took a roadtrip by myself, and a blog is in the works about that. And I’ll blog about whatever you all want from the point of view of a cheap college girl; me. Want to know what something is like? And have specific questions about it? Email me! I’ll see what I can do. But no promises.

So my next post will most likely be about my solo roadtrip/boattrip to Tangier Island, VA.

But basically, if you have any requests for me to blog about, email me!

(blowyomofomind@gmail.com)

I do feel like this blog will just be randomness, but I guess that’s ok too.

Peace&Love

P.S. And I want to include things off my bucket list, so if nothing else that should be interesting in itself.

WTF Has Been Going On? I Really Don't Know; Or Care.

Hi everyone,

Sorry I have been MIA in the blog world; not that anyone reads this…yet. But here’s the deal-- what’s been going down.

In case I haven’t mentioned it already, I think I’ve been in a quarter life crisis since the Canadian Idiot entered my life. I’m necessarily blaming him, it’s just when everything started to change. And I am not going to type it all out here, that would take wayyyy too long. Anyhow, life has been pretty rough lately.

(This part where I whine and complain.)

So about a month and half or so ago, I realized my ‘unlimited’ texting was to other Verizon customers only. Whoops. I had racked up hundreds of dollars in damn text messages. Which really frustrates me because texting isn’t a necessity it’s for fun, so I was really pissed at myself for having to pay these massive bills when they weren’t needed. Anyhow, I’m freaking college student so I don’t have that kind of money in bank account so I had to cash some premature bonds to pay them off, which I was totally cool with. Until I found out you have to pay interest on those mofos. By tax season, I will need hundreds of more dollars to dig myself out of this hole.

And there’s more: so tuition went up this year and my loan offers went down (insert mifted face here) so I actually didn’t get enough money to cover my schooling (not even including books) but God bless Grandma for taking care of that. So normally I have extra loan money to cover gas and food and other odds and ends throughout the semester, including fun stuff. So I’ve been looking for a second job and considering selling my plasma for some cash to save up, but me and needles in me…might not be the best idea—I have a tendency to pass out. Anyhow, I’m in a financial bind.

Next, I’m failing chemistry! Whoohoo! Which really sucks but there’s no way possible to pass it considering I missed a test and he won’t let make it up (my irresponsibility must have flared up) but let’s be real, the class average was a 62 so my grade would have been like a 42. Serious. That was a huge stressor, and still kinda is because I’ll be retaking it next semester, but I have more time to actually sleep and focus on other things for now.

I haven’t been getting enough sleep either, to the point where I doze off behind the wheel. I’ve scared myself too many times, so sometimes I just skip class, but this hasn’t been a huge problem since I’ve quit going to chemistry at 8 AM. But if you have this problem, just remind yourself that whatever you are trying to go to isn’t worth or your life or someone else’s.

In spite, or rather, in addition to all this, I’m not going to lie, I’ve been really depressed. Don’t know why, just have. It’s no fun, but I’m to the point where I just don’t care anymore, it’s all whatever.

Someone even told me they think I like being depressed…I’ll save this for a topic later.

I feel like this isn't even half of everything that's been going on, but it's all the big ones I can recall.

I won’t blabber on anymore about my issues, but be sure to check out the next post about my plans for this blog, and kinda my life too.

Peace&Love

International Overdose Awareness Day : Sublime

International Overdose Awareness Day : Sublime

If you're a user, be careful. If you don't, look out for others. Try not to judge. Love.

"She felt like a child breaking the rules. That's what made [her] like it."

I have been so irresponsible this summer/lately. I was late for a doctor appointment again this morning. 3 times. One I completely missed too. I’ve bailed on some friends. Doing what I want, when I want. Barely attempting my summer research and projects. And even doing things which are more harmful than good to me, which really isn’t like me; or at least the me I’m used to.

Something changed in me this summer. I feel like I’ve become a different person. Yes, mostly internally different, but I do believe it is definitely a noticeable difference for others as well. I think it will be interesting to observe if others at school notice a difference, especially since they haven’t seen me since May.

I’m just curious as to why. I wonder if this is some kind of quarter life crisis or if I am ‘finding myself.’ I don’t really mind the changes, though I probably should.

I think a large part of this was because of my fast and furious fling with the Canadian Idiot. Kinda like that Sara Evans song, “A Little Bit Stronger” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m8GSnIkxPM ), ‘I know my heart will never be the same…even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger’ I really believed he changed me; and I’m still changing because of him. He opened me up to whole new world and showed me new feelings; not just love, but his deepest pains. Yeah, maybe I was being played (probably), but I’ve found myself having more empathy towards others. Not just to other’s hidden feelings/struggles, but to those in a relationship like this was. The good times were great, then he wouldn’t talk for days, until one day he quit talking at all. As much as I want to, I’ll probably never know the reason. And as much I need the closure I have to learn to move on without it. Yeah, it hurts. But another thing, he was a ‘bad boy.’ I did and learned things I normally wouldn’t, such as smoke. And I’m not blaming him for my choices, it is not his fault, I take full responsibility for my actions. Even now that he is gone, I am so much more open to trying new things, even if they aren’t the best choices. I don’t think about my actions as much as I did before, and am starting to not give a sh!t. Pardon my language. As in Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God, “…she felt like she was breaking the rules, and that’s what made [her] like it.” That is exactly how he made me feel; and I did like it; and I still do. He pushed me out of my comfort zone, and I have no regrets. But maybe I should… He gave a high—an adrenaline rush, and I think I have become addicted to it. I jump into things, including relationships, without thinking twice. The thing is, I’m afraid I might hurt others along my way, but maybe it’s time for me to put myself and my feelings first, although, that feels extremely selfish. So yeah, this guy definitely had a few issues including some emotional ones, but I believed him when he said he loved me, and after that I only kept falling harder and harder for him until I realized I was alone; and he was gone. In the words of Beyonce, “I must have cried a thousand times…I can’t regret all the time spent with you, yeah, you hurt me but I learned a lot along the way” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huZn5e_LNMw ). To sum up all this, I know my heart will never be the same, yeah he hurt me but I learned a lot along the way. (And I take no credit for this last sentence.)

“Broken”

A weird painting I did, trying to get over him. Not sure how I feel about it as a piece of art; but it makes sense to me. I apologize for the glare.

Sometimes I miss him, who he was, or who I thought he was. I miss him so much, I still cry sometimes. I try my hardest to push him out of my mind, but sometimes I just can’t anymore. I try to tell myself he was bad for me and that it never would have worked, but the truth is I was really head over heels for him, and it’s not easy to forget someone who made a HUGE impact on your life. Especially someone you’d break your back for, then have the relationship end abruptly with no closure. “But I never told you, what I should have said, no I never told you, I just held it in, and now I miss everything about you, can’t believe that I still love you (Colbie Caillat” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfxP4ORIIOY ) I do wish I had told him how much he really meant to me, but I now realize sometimes I have difficulty expressing how much love and appreciate others. I guess I’m just reiterating myself, but he made a HUGE impact on my life; emotional and mental. Should I have let him get to me? Is this a positive impact? I don’t know. But I do know that I have learned a lot.

In addition to all my drama, I think I’ve been evaluating my life a lot this summer, I suppose since I’ve had a lot of free time. I want to live my life to its fullest, live it for me—not to please others, as in my peers.

I think this has been the biggest impact on me.

(Photo cred to http://www.postsecret.com/)

 I want to leave a mark on this world and make a positive impact on others. I want to experience new things and not shy away from the unusual. I want to leave behind a creative history as well. I don’t know what, but something in me switched and I’m a bit more risk taking and doing without thinking. I’ve also been thinking about my future, and questioning my career path, thinking about becoming a K-12 teacher or therapist instead of the scientific world. I love children and would do anything for them. Plus I know the school systems are in ruins and kids need positive role models. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I would be the hero of American schools, just making an impact on child’s life would be worthwhile. Yet, I have my own selfish dreams and responsibilities…which I have been taking less responsibility of lately…anyhow, none of this really answers any of my questions.

Peace&Love

Nice People Are Awesome People: Nice vs. Actively Nice

Yeah, I'd say I'm a nice person, wouldn't you? I'm sure you're probably nice as well. But are we actively nice? "What the hell, nice is nice, right? What more do you want from me?" Well, I was thinking...and I believe it's not. "What's the difference?" Well here is a passing thought on the matter...

Its one thing to be nice when prompted, but to actively (and selflessly, for those few amazing people you bump into during your life) be nice is totally different...for example....

Someone, obviously a little confused, asks for directions while you're strolling through the park or campus. You politely give them directions best you can, sending them on their way. But you know, some people are a little hesitant to ask for help or even just walk up to a random stranger. (Like myself, unless I feel friendly vibes from someone.)  Yet, you can tell that that person is obviously uncomfortable or lost. An actively nice person would approach this baffled soul to see if everything is alright and offer help. See the difference?

Does this even make sense? I really hope it does, and helps us think how we can better ourselves--thus bettering the world by simply offering a kind and helping hand. Think of the scenario above; I'm sure you've (just like me) been in a situation where you have no clue what to do or where to go, but don't ask for help.

Love&Peace

P.S. And if you haven't done so already, click on that little sticky note, "I'm Very Nice" for some awesomeness.